Hair everywhere…

hair-loss-comb-1

Its been just 3 weeks now I have re-started taking the methotrexate and already it is showing up its side effects. I have nausea and lightheadedness on the next day I take this tablet which is a side effect I’m well versed with. The most heart wrenching part is I see hair everywhere in my dressing area, my bathroom, on my comb, on my pillows and god on my chair at my office too.. eww… very embarrassing guys.

Hair is very precious for women and I already have less hair thanks to my laziness, pollution, stress and hormonal imbalance and to add to my woes this monstrous methotrexate is making me loose hair at a scary rate. The rate at which I’m currently loosing my hair I’m sure to become bald very soon in the future. When I raised this concern with my husband he gave me a funny look as if to say I’m crazy that I’m bothered about my hair when there are other major parts of me that are at risk. But buddy those are not visible.

But guys are guys they don’t understand how de-regarding it is for a woman. I should work on getting rid of this methotrexate to save my dignity aka my hair. Fingers crossed. May this journey to recovery recover my hair losses as well.

 

 

 

Maybe I need Edward Cullen to cure my RA….

Edward

The other day I was lying on my bed and thinking maybe my body has become resistant to my current RA medication as neither 2 6mg of cortishot tablets a day is giving me relief from pain nor the 15mg of methotrexate a week is doing its magic anymore. Disrupting my thoughts my mom came into my room with a glass of pomegranate juice and stated that she has come to the conclusion that I should drink pomegranate and pineapple juice everyday and it will cure my RA. I was surprised and shocked with this revelation and asked her to explain her logic and here it goes…

The other day I explained to her that RA is a chronic illness and there is no cure as such for it for the 100th time (she is in a denial and doesn’t want to accept) I told her how my immune system is hyper active like a drunken monkey or a druggie and is attacking every joint it finds attractive in my body. So the thesis she developed is the problem is due to toxins in my blood as my RA is detected by blood work and also due to high antigens that are present in blood if I can get my blood purified my RA will be poof gone. So do this task pomegranate and pineapple will act as blood cleansers and lucky me being a female during my menstrual cycle all the impure blood flows out of my body and will be filled with fresh and clean blood due to all the apple juices which I’ll rather I should drink again everyday. I was dumbstruck :)…

If only it was that simple and drinking fruit juices will cure RA there wont be so many people suffering and millions spent on research for this awful disease. But this got me thinking even though not possible there is a possibility if we can get my blood cleansed with some good cleansing solutions maybe my RA will be cured. This gave me another insane idea maybe I should get some nice,old and hot vampire to help me to get this done(nice and old because I should not end up dead and hot because Hello !! I’m getting my blood sucked it should be interesting at the least) like Edward Cullen from twilight or Vlad Dracul from Night prince series. They can suck my blood and I can get new fresh blood in my body and RA gone or I’ll become a vampire and poof no RA both the options are tempting to try. If you say beggars cant be choosers I’ll take any vampire as long as I’m free from RA. I’ll take any freaking option over suffering with RA…

 

 

 

The art of saying no…

I think it is a god’s gift or talent or skill I don’t know what it takes to say no to people without feeling bad. Whatever it is I don’t possess it. It could be at a shop where I’m trying to buy some clothes and the salesman forces me to try some crappy stuff or a interior designer who is quoting high price or my manager who wants to get maximum out of my time even though I’m looking like dead or my maid who doesn’t want to do her work saying she is exhausted or my husband who wants me to eat beyond my capacity or my relatives who think I don’t know what I have (RA) and think they can solve my problems with some magic or my SIL who wants me to buy a saree which she wants to have.

I don’t want to hurt or trouble anyone and keep accepting or taking things more than I can take as a result I will be restless and upset because I know I’m accepting to things which I don’t need or which I can’t do.

It’s a dual sharpened knife both sides gives me pain. I should learn to be assertive and tell people amicably no. It’s high time I learn to do it. Some times I throw my husband under the bus and blame him to escape from some things but it doesn’t work always so I’m going to woman up (I’m a feminist) pull on my big girl gloves and start saying no. 

Hopefully this will give me less stress than swallowing more than my mouthful.

Guilt and risk are the toughest pills to swallow…

Day one of my back to work mission started with a big bummer. Flares , pains and fatigue and nausea. Add to that the hassle of getting ready in the morning I’m dragging myself through the activities and running very late. I’m also making everyone else late as I want to drop kids off at school and go. (I know I am over ambitious)

Looks like my husband had enough of my antics and he was irritated and asked me how can he go to office at 11 everyday? Something in that statement was like a lightening to me showed me how selfish I have been through out. I’m always worried about me going to work, me doing things and stuff but never once considered what my husband is going through. 

He is going late to work everyday as he is helping me with kids and coming back home early this again to help me with kids. Add my doctor appointments in between. He is not taking up new challenges at work with the fear of more working hours. He is sacrificing his career and his ambitions for me so that I can continue to work inspite of my illness. So I made up my mind that enough is enough I can’t let him suffer because of me.

When my husband realized that he is becoming the reason for my decision he could not tolerate it. Hypocrite in him says he doesn’t want me to take any decisions because of him that he can not live with the guilt but tells me I should not feel guilty for all the things he is made to go through because of me. Buddy I can be anything but selfish is not among them. Guilt is a tough pill to swallow for anyone.

So now I’m swallowing the next tough pill i.e., risk I’m giving up my job. I want to pursue other opportunities to work which doesn’t need 9 hours of office. I was always inspired with people going off the track and being successful in their careers now I want to see if I can do anything other than my IT job. I want to earn my living while balancing my health and family.

Hoping luck favours the brave… 

When your heart wants something but the mind is not ok with it…

After taking double dose of cortishot for a week finally my body, flares and pains are under my control. Last week when nothing seems to be working anymore I have made up my mind to quit my job , stay at home and take care of my health. Of course it was not a choice but seemed like an ultimatum at that point.

   But today when everything looks good my heart still wants me to stay back home prioritize and work on my health issues but my brain says don’t be a baby you can still work on yourself while doing a job. Everyone including my kids wants me to quit and take it easy for sometime except the people who employ me and the ones who are employed by me. But the fighter and jugular in me wants me to manage all.

   Am I doing a mistake by not listening to my body and my well-wishers? Am I taking a risk? Am I being too ambitious and too stubborn? No decision in life is easy I guess. I’m little scared thinking if I take a break now I may not go back to work at all. It is not the end of the world there are so many people out there who sacrificed their careers for smaller issues than mine at the same there are people who have bigger problems than mine and going strong.

I’m taking a one month test period to get out of this dilemma. I’m back to work from tomorrow if on any day I feel that it is not manageable anymore I’m going to quit else back to happy juggling. 

Awaiting for the sign from the almighty.. Fingers crossed…

Back to square one… 

People say what goes comes back and God is it true for illnesses and ailments also. Looks like it is. My TMJ (Jaw joints) pain with flares in other parts of my body made me run to my rheumatologist and tada all my diet and hard work went down the drain. After 6 months break methotrexate is back in my life and body. Also after a gap of an year cortishot is back with a bang twice daily now. God must really hate me. Oh even with such high doses and aggressive medication there is no pain relief.

Now comes the depression and then thinking glasses. How to come out of it? It’s like poisoning myself slowly if I continue to take the above medicines but if I don’t there is no point in living with so much pain. Now enters the determination to cure myself. 

Two primary aspects to achieve the above:

1. Avoid stress, get lots of rest and make all the time available to work on myself with diet, yoga and meditation.

     This is not so easy to achieve as I need to quit my job to avoid stress and to make time for other activities. Leaving what I love and letting go of all my hard work so far not at all alluring. My husband says I can go back to work once I’m well but what I can’t wrap my head around is even after knowing everything he still thinks RA  will go away after an year or so if I’m dedicated and determined. 

I know things like diet, yoga etc will help to manage the illness but they will not cure it. The moment I start going back to work everything will go back which we have already experienced. Soon after you are off the track and drop the shield RA will be ready to attack like a demon lurking in the corners. So why not look for a balance from now? ☺. 

2. Following the regime religiously.

With my past experiences and all the readings I have the necessary ingredients to make this pain go away.

1. Diet

2. Exercise – yoga for fitness and flexibility.

3. Meditation – for stress management and psychological strength.

Now the dilemma is should we spend more money and join people or programs to follow this or should we have our own regime to work it out. My own plan sounds good as it is cost effective and also I know my body well. But will I follow through? What if I loose motivation and start becoming lazy again? Million questions to ponder nothing is simple black and white in life.

Anyways no matter what path I choose I’m ready for the battle. A battle with my self a test to my dedication, determination and courage. 

Wait and watch for my battle updates….

Temporomandibular joint (TMJ) aka jaw joints.. new victims of RA

I thought life can’t get more worse after my tumor scare but I was so wrong it can get more messy , painful and difficult without a deadly cancer looming over my head. Ra is the slow and painful ailment that cripples the whole body.

   I never liked biology in my secondary school education and due to this aversion for the subject I missed something important that there are joints in the face. Yeah learnt this the hard way when my whole face started hurting and ears have become painful. There are joints in front of ears called temporomandibular joints (TMJ) which can be affected by Ra. New learning in my Ra studies and a new milestone crossed with yet another joint falling victim to the Ra monster.

This is even more worse because swallowing is painful forget about chewing. Worst part is I didn’t cheat my diet this is just due to the fever from 2 days. God life and Ra sucks. Nothing I did to cause it and nothing is helping it. Add to it nausea and lightheadedness due to fever and I’m weak as a twig waiting to fall.

Hoping this is a passing flare and goes away sooner…