I love to sleep yes through morning, during day anytime. I can’t blame RA for this unfortunately it’s totally on me. I always loved to sleep. I always put sleep above everything like eating (this is just bad I can’t even count the number of times I skipped eating just to get that extra minutes of sleep), watching TV, going to movies any fun activity for that matter, going to temple ( I can imagine all the times my mom was furious) , skipped office to sleep, play with kids, spending time with my husband anything and everything. If there is anything that can push away my sleep is a good novel and also my mother in law ( She doesn’t say anything but I’m naturally scared of her) and also the initial months after my kids birth to feed them. Insert Ranjith’s angry face here.
As I grew up my addiction towards my sleep also grew thanks to my lenient husband and guilt driven mom. There are many incidents where Ranjith was mad at me due to this. I feel bad that day and decide it’s high time I should be more responsible and change but that never happened so far. When the morning comes I just think it’s ok to sleep little more damn the consequences.
Irrespective of the time I go to sleep during night I don’t want to wake up in the morning. This just can’t go on as Ranjith is realizing lately that I’m blackmailing him emotionally in order to sleep and he is following the same route. Passing on statements like I’m setting bad example for kids, I’m ignoring my duties blah blah. Oh please i don’t remember any one these when I sleep.
Responsibilities and humans suck big time. I wish I was born as a animal and can hibernate months together and no bothering about health, socialising or grooming or anything just lying around and sleeping off. God it’s so tempting.
Give me some food … Give me some sleep… Give me another chance I wanna nod off once again… Nah nah na … Na na na nah naaa…
Getting a tattoo was always my dream maybe it shows my badass attitude or it brings out rebel in me which was always suppressed by my act of a good girl.
During the tumour scare I realised if something were to happen to me I had so many things to do before I die and prepared a bucket list. Getting a tattoo was one of them. I never wanted to let people know that I am sick. But lately I realised it’s ok to be sick. So I decided to get rhuematoid disease ribbon as my tattoo.
Lot of people were surprised and disappointed with my tattoo. They are asking what is the need of having that ribbon permanently etched on me. Some people simply don’t understand why I went for a tattoo. I’m ok with comments and criticism because I know the importance of this disease in my life tattoo or not it is permanent in my life.
I wanted to have this tattoo as a reminder that life can take a u turn anytime and you will be nothing but a spectator. I want this tattoo as my inspiration that it’s my fight and I can be the one in control of it. I want this tattoo to be a mark to ground me and warn me when I’m pain free to make most of today as you never know what is in store for tomorrow. I want this tattoo as a guide for the healthy and active lifestyle which should be my motto from now on.
I’m happy that I could go through my wish with as usual a little nudge from my husband to push me over the edge when I hesitated My partner in the true sense.
Sometimes I feel more than the physical pain and damage caused by chronic illnesses like RA emotional damage is more intense. The sense of helplessness caused due to the morning stiffness or pain or fatigue of RA is unbearable. When our loved ones are taking a toll of this it becomes even more tougher to accept our illness as our fate.
Did I ask for this? Did I do something wrong in the past which is making me go through this? Is this the so called karma? Why should my family suffer because of me? Why should my kids compromise? Just because they are born to a mother who is sick they are compromising on their play their routine their friends. How do I prioritize? How to supress this guilt and move forward? Will it get better going forward? Will I learn to move on from this?
The moments when I cant raise concerns or argue because I’m not fit enough to look after my kids alone are so depressing I just want to bang my head. The natural aggression in me doesn’t want me to accept defeat. I don’t want them to suffer but what good will I do to them if they are left alone with me. When they look back later on to their childhood maybe all they see will be a sick mother who could not play with them or entertain them and a father running behind them to meet their needs. This is the moment of decision between fight or flight. As flight is not an option fight it is.
I’ll fight with myself, with my body to the last point of my willpower to do justice to my kids and husband to fulfil my duty as a parent and spouse. I’ll fight to come out of this dark clutches which makes me not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically weak and impaired.
Its been just 3 weeks now I have re-started taking the methotrexate and already it is showing up its side effects. I have nausea and lightheadedness on the next day I take this tablet which is a side effect I’m well versed with. The most heart wrenching part is I see hair everywhere in my dressing area, my bathroom, on my comb, on my pillows and god on my chair at my office too.. eww… very embarrassing guys.
Hair is very precious for women and I already have less hair thanks to my laziness, pollution, stress and hormonal imbalance and to add to my woes this monstrous methotrexate is making me loose hair at a scary rate. The rate at which I’m currently loosing my hair I’m sure to become bald very soon in the future. When I raised this concern with my husband he gave me a funny look as if to say I’m crazy that I’m bothered about my hair when there are other major parts of me that are at risk. But buddy those are not visible.
But guys are guys they don’t understand how de-regarding it is for a woman. I should work on getting rid of this methotrexate to save my dignity aka my hair. Fingers crossed. May this journey to recovery recover my hair losses as well.
The other day I was lying on my bed and thinking maybe my body has become resistant to my current RA medication as neither 2 6mg of cortishot tablets a day is giving me relief from pain nor the 15mg of methotrexate a week is doing its magic anymore. Disrupting my thoughts my mom came into my room with a glass of pomegranate juice and stated that she has come to the conclusion that I should drink pomegranate and pineapple juice everyday and it will cure my RA. I was surprised and shocked with this revelation and asked her to explain her logic and here it goes…
The other day I explained to her that RA is a chronic illness and there is no cure as such for it for the 100th time (she is in a denial and doesn’t want to accept) I told her how my immune system is hyper active like a drunken monkey or a druggie and is attacking every joint it finds attractive in my body. So the thesis she developed is the problem is due to toxins in my blood as my RA is detected by blood work and also due to high antigens that are present in blood if I can get my blood purified my RA will be poof gone. So do this task pomegranate and pineapple will act as blood cleansers and lucky me being a female during my menstrual cycle all the impure blood flows out of my body and will be filled with fresh and clean blood due to all the apple juices which I’ll rather I should drink again everyday. I was dumbstruck :)…
If only it was that simple and drinking fruit juices will cure RA there wont be so many people suffering and millions spent on research for this awful disease. But this got me thinking even though not possible there is a possibility if we can get my blood cleansed with some good cleansing solutions maybe my RA will be cured. This gave me another insane idea maybe I should get some nice,old and hot vampire to help me to get this done(nice and old because I should not end up dead and hot because Hello !! I’m getting my blood sucked it should be interesting at the least) like Edward Cullen from twilight or Vlad Dracul from Night prince series. They can suck my blood and I can get new fresh blood in my body and RA gone or I’ll become a vampire and poof no RA both the options are tempting to try. If you say beggars cant be choosers I’ll take any vampire as long as I’m free from RA. I’ll take any freaking option over suffering with RA…
I think it is a god’s gift or talent or skill I don’t know what it takes to say no to people without feeling bad. Whatever it is I don’t possess it. It could be at a shop where I’m trying to buy some clothes and the salesman forces me to try some crappy stuff or a interior designer who is quoting high price or my manager who wants to get maximum out of my time even though I’m looking like dead or my maid who doesn’t want to do her work saying she is exhausted or my husband who wants me to eat beyond my capacity or my relatives who think I don’t know what I have (RA) and think they can solve my problems with some magic or my SIL who wants me to buy a saree which she wants to have.
I don’t want to hurt or trouble anyone and keep accepting or taking things more than I can take as a result I will be restless and upset because I know I’m accepting to things which I don’t need or which I can’t do.
It’s a dual sharpened knife both sides gives me pain. I should learn to be assertive and tell people amicably no. It’s high time I learn to do it. Some times I throw my husband under the bus and blame him to escape from some things but it doesn’t work always so I’m going to woman up (I’m a feminist) pull on my big girl gloves and start saying no.
Hopefully this will give me less stress than swallowing more than my mouthful.
Day one of my back to work mission started with a big bummer. Flares , pains and fatigue and nausea. Add to that the hassle of getting ready in the morning I’m dragging myself through the activities and running very late. I’m also making everyone else late as I want to drop kids off at school and go. (I know I am over ambitious)
Looks like my husband had enough of my antics and he was irritated and asked me how can he go to office at 11 everyday? Something in that statement was like a lightening to me showed me how selfish I have been through out. I’m always worried about me going to work, me doing things and stuff but never once considered what my husband is going through.
He is going late to work everyday as he is helping me with kids and coming back home early this again to help me with kids. Add my doctor appointments in between. He is not taking up new challenges at work with the fear of more working hours. He is sacrificing his career and his ambitions for me so that I can continue to work inspite of my illness. So I made up my mind that enough is enough I can’t let him suffer because of me.
When my husband realized that he is becoming the reason for my decision he could not tolerate it. Hypocrite in him says he doesn’t want me to take any decisions because of him that he can not live with the guilt but tells me I should not feel guilty for all the things he is made to go through because of me. Buddy I can be anything but selfish is not among them. Guilt is a tough pill to swallow for anyone.
So now I’m swallowing the next tough pill i.e., risk I’m giving up my job. I want to pursue other opportunities to work which doesn’t need 9 hours of office. I was always inspired with people going off the track and being successful in their careers now I want to see if I can do anything other than my IT job. I want to earn my living while balancing my health and family.
Hoping luck favours the brave…