Sometimes I feel more than the physical pain and damage caused by chronic illnesses like RA emotional damage is more intense. The sense of helplessness caused due to the morning stiffness or pain or fatigue of RA is unbearable. When our loved ones are taking a toll of this it becomes even more tougher to accept our illness as our fate.
Did I ask for this? Did I do something wrong in the past which is making me go through this? Is this the so called karma? Why should my family suffer because of me? Why should my kids compromise? Just because they are born to a mother who is sick they are compromising on their play their routine their friends. How do I prioritize? How to supress this guilt and move forward? Will it get better going forward? Will I learn to move on from this?
The moments when I cant raise concerns or argue because I’m not fit enough to look after my kids alone are so depressing I just want to bang my head. The natural aggression in me doesn’t want me to accept defeat. I don’t want them to suffer but what good will I do to them if they are left alone with me. When they look back later on to their childhood maybe all they see will be a sick mother who could not play with them or entertain them and a father running behind them to meet their needs. This is the moment of decision between fight or flight. As flight is not an option fight it is.
I’ll fight with myself, with my body to the last point of my willpower to do justice to my kids and husband to fulfil my duty as a parent and spouse. I’ll fight to come out of this dark clutches which makes me not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically weak and impaired.