Everyone has one escape channel where you can tune out the whole outside world and believe everything is rosy around you. For me my choice of drug is reading not anything but romantic fiction is what makes me forget about my problems unfortunately my responsibilities also. But being a married woman and the mother of two small kids escape is not an option in fact it is a crime.
Sometimes ( Maybe lot of times) I do give into it when pain becomes traumatic so to tune out everything and float in the world of my characters were there are no chronic illness or duties to perform only love and romance which is far from reality but feels good to be in. This makes me forget everything but again at a cost. Once the bubble is burst the fall to the reality is brutal.
I feel guilty for ignoring my duty and kids. For depending on my husband and my parents on stuff which are supposed to be done by me. For forgetting and enjoying myself when others are working extra to take load off me. For ignoring my home or veggies in the kitchen which are rotten. For not planning or doing things in time and making others life hell by pushing them at the end. For not taking enough care of plants which are now dried up. For not sending quality time with my kids instead of indulging myself. Oh the list goes on and on.
So what is ok what is not? Whom should I blame here.. God for giving me this illness or me for being selfish?
Hoping for a better tomorrow…