The art of saying no…

I think it is a god’s gift or talent or skill I don’t know what it takes to say no to people without feeling bad. Whatever it is I don’t possess it. It could be at a shop where I’m trying to buy some clothes and the salesman forces me to try some crappy stuff or a interior designer who is quoting high price or my manager who wants to get maximum out of my time even though I’m looking like dead or my maid who doesn’t want to do her work saying she is exhausted or my husband who wants me to eat beyond my capacity or my relatives who think I don’t know what I have (RA) and think they can solve my problems with some magic or my SIL who wants me to buy a saree which she wants to have.

I don’t want to hurt or trouble anyone and keep accepting or taking things more than I can take as a result I will be restless and upset because I know I’m accepting to things which I don’t need or which I can’t do.

It’s a dual sharpened knife both sides gives me pain. I should learn to be assertive and tell people amicably no. It’s high time I learn to do it. Some times I throw my husband under the bus and blame him to escape from some things but it doesn’t work always so I’m going to woman up (I’m a feminist) pull on my big girl gloves and start saying no. 

Hopefully this will give me less stress than swallowing more than my mouthful.

Guilt and risk are the toughest pills to swallow…

Day one of my back to work mission started with a big bummer. Flares , pains and fatigue and nausea. Add to that the hassle of getting ready in the morning I’m dragging myself through the activities and running very late. I’m also making everyone else late as I want to drop kids off at school and go. (I know I am over ambitious)

Looks like my husband had enough of my antics and he was irritated and asked me how can he go to office at 11 everyday? Something in that statement was like a lightening to me showed me how selfish I have been through out. I’m always worried about me going to work, me doing things and stuff but never once considered what my husband is going through. 

He is going late to work everyday as he is helping me with kids and coming back home early this again to help me with kids. Add my doctor appointments in between. He is not taking up new challenges at work with the fear of more working hours. He is sacrificing his career and his ambitions for me so that I can continue to work inspite of my illness. So I made up my mind that enough is enough I can’t let him suffer because of me.

When my husband realized that he is becoming the reason for my decision he could not tolerate it. Hypocrite in him says he doesn’t want me to take any decisions because of him that he can not live with the guilt but tells me I should not feel guilty for all the things he is made to go through because of me. Buddy I can be anything but selfish is not among them. Guilt is a tough pill to swallow for anyone.

So now I’m swallowing the next tough pill i.e., risk I’m giving up my job. I want to pursue other opportunities to work which doesn’t need 9 hours of office. I was always inspired with people going off the track and being successful in their careers now I want to see if I can do anything other than my IT job. I want to earn my living while balancing my health and family.

Hoping luck favours the brave… 

When your heart wants something but the mind is not ok with it…

After taking double dose of cortishot for a week finally my body, flares and pains are under my control. Last week when nothing seems to be working anymore I have made up my mind to quit my job , stay at home and take care of my health. Of course it was not a choice but seemed like an ultimatum at that point.

   But today when everything looks good my heart still wants me to stay back home prioritize and work on my health issues but my brain says don’t be a baby you can still work on yourself while doing a job. Everyone including my kids wants me to quit and take it easy for sometime except the people who employ me and the ones who are employed by me. But the fighter and jugular in me wants me to manage all.

   Am I doing a mistake by not listening to my body and my well-wishers? Am I taking a risk? Am I being too ambitious and too stubborn? No decision in life is easy I guess. I’m little scared thinking if I take a break now I may not go back to work at all. It is not the end of the world there are so many people out there who sacrificed their careers for smaller issues than mine at the same there are people who have bigger problems than mine and going strong.

I’m taking a one month test period to get out of this dilemma. I’m back to work from tomorrow if on any day I feel that it is not manageable anymore I’m going to quit else back to happy juggling. 

Awaiting for the sign from the almighty.. Fingers crossed…

Back to square one… 

People say what goes comes back and God is it true for illnesses and ailments also. Looks like it is. My TMJ (Jaw joints) pain with flares in other parts of my body made me run to my rheumatologist and tada all my diet and hard work went down the drain. After 6 months break methotrexate is back in my life and body. Also after a gap of an year cortishot is back with a bang twice daily now. God must really hate me. Oh even with such high doses and aggressive medication there is no pain relief.

Now comes the depression and then thinking glasses. How to come out of it? It’s like poisoning myself slowly if I continue to take the above medicines but if I don’t there is no point in living with so much pain. Now enters the determination to cure myself. 

Two primary aspects to achieve the above:

1. Avoid stress, get lots of rest and make all the time available to work on myself with diet, yoga and meditation.

     This is not so easy to achieve as I need to quit my job to avoid stress and to make time for other activities. Leaving what I love and letting go of all my hard work so far not at all alluring. My husband says I can go back to work once I’m well but what I can’t wrap my head around is even after knowing everything he still thinks RA  will go away after an year or so if I’m dedicated and determined. 

I know things like diet, yoga etc will help to manage the illness but they will not cure it. The moment I start going back to work everything will go back which we have already experienced. Soon after you are off the track and drop the shield RA will be ready to attack like a demon lurking in the corners. So why not look for a balance from now? ☺. 

2. Following the regime religiously.

With my past experiences and all the readings I have the necessary ingredients to make this pain go away.

1. Diet

2. Exercise – yoga for fitness and flexibility.

3. Meditation – for stress management and psychological strength.

Now the dilemma is should we spend more money and join people or programs to follow this or should we have our own regime to work it out. My own plan sounds good as it is cost effective and also I know my body well. But will I follow through? What if I loose motivation and start becoming lazy again? Million questions to ponder nothing is simple black and white in life.

Anyways no matter what path I choose I’m ready for the battle. A battle with my self a test to my dedication, determination and courage. 

Wait and watch for my battle updates….

Temporomandibular joint (TMJ) aka jaw joints.. new victims of RA

I thought life can’t get more worse after my tumor scare but I was so wrong it can get more messy , painful and difficult without a deadly cancer looming over my head. Ra is the slow and painful ailment that cripples the whole body.

   I never liked biology in my secondary school education and due to this aversion for the subject I missed something important that there are joints in the face. Yeah learnt this the hard way when my whole face started hurting and ears have become painful. There are joints in front of ears called temporomandibular joints (TMJ) which can be affected by Ra. New learning in my Ra studies and a new milestone crossed with yet another joint falling victim to the Ra monster.

This is even more worse because swallowing is painful forget about chewing. Worst part is I didn’t cheat my diet this is just due to the fever from 2 days. God life and Ra sucks. Nothing I did to cause it and nothing is helping it. Add to it nausea and lightheadedness due to fever and I’m weak as a twig waiting to fall.

Hoping this is a passing flare and goes away sooner…

Pseudo remission…

I know there are so many people who will be willing to kick me if I say diet can give remission in RA. I’m not 100% sure if diet helps. But I can surely say there are some food related triggers that can cause flares avoiding these really helps.

After strictly following my diet which eliminated dairy, sugars, white flour, processed foods,meat and night shade veggies I can say I’m in a pseudo remission phase. If you are wondering what’s wrong with that statement I can explain. Remission is supposed to be false phase which seems as if the Ra is cured but actually it is just taking break. And these phases usually last from few months to years. But my pseudo remission lasts only for few days.

So typically for me I have remission for 3 to 4 days in a week rest are hell. Usually my flares start by Sunday evening or Monday morning to add to the already present Monday blues and will get better by mid week. My self diagnosis tells me this is due to more stress both physically and mentally over weekend and some cheating in my diet which I am trying hard to avoid.

This temporary bliss also comes with a price just like everything else in life. This diet restrictions gave me pain relief, reduced weight and improved skin tone but at the cost of my muscle mass. Looks like I drained my muscle with reduced protein intake and even though I’m not in pain on some days I’m lacking energy and strength to get anything else done.

So working out a balance in my diet which doesn’t poke Ra and at the same time give me all the essential nutrients my body needs. 

The lesson learnt from this is ” Listen to your body more than what others say because what works for someone may not work for you each body is different, life style, genetics, climatic conditions play a vital role.” 

Are RA and tooth ache related ?

We believe that medical field is so advanced with so many hi-tech machines, well qualified doctors and with so many multispeciality hospitals everywhere. But  the intriguing human body still remains ambiguous.

It took multiple visits and insistence for the diagnosis of my RA. After numerous horrendous scans and procedures my mediastinal mass (or is it enlarged node) still remains ambiguous. Now comes a mysterious tooth ache on the right lower jaw. The pain radiates into the ear and it is very difficult to chew my food.

As the story of my life goes the good doctors checked and probed my teeth and confirmed that my teeth are good and strong ( Finally some body part in good shape. Hurray !!!) and pain is not related to teeth. Oh that’s good right… No it’s actually bad as I don’t know why I have pain no diagnosis means no pain relief. Hence the saga continues.

   Here begins self diagnosis, can this be related to my RA? After the terror of tumour I gave up control on my sugar intake and decided to live my life. Now I can relate the pain to my sweettooth. The pain comes out after I indulge myself with some sweets and goes back after a couple of days. So again time to sacrifice my sugar to RA.

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.    Buddha

As Mr.Buddha stated above maybe it’s time to make the sacrifice and control my cravings.

Hoping for the best…